Stories, Jokes & Poems

updated 12/15/06

This is our fun and humor page. If you would like to contribute material send us an e-mail.We would appreciate any material you would deem appropriate. Thank you and enjoy!

PUT ON THE ARMOUR

Be strong in the Lord, my brother,
In the power of His mighty arm
Trust in the Lord and in no other
And He will protect ye from harm

We wrestle not with man, neither myth
Nor with flesh and blood do ye strive
But against evil powers of spirit forthwith
Where rulers in darkness do thrive

So, the whole armor of God, take unto thee
To do all that ye can to stand firm
A well-armored Christian on bended knee
Causes demons to tremble and squirm

The Scriptures thou hath known from even your youth
To make ye wise unto salvation ye heard
So stand ye surrounded with the belt of Truth
Encompassed with the surety of His Holy Word

Wearing the breastplate of our High-Priest
His Righteousness is imputed to thee
He is the great and ye are the least
And thus as He walked so shall ye

Prepare ye the way with boots of Peace
Go to the world - the message is dire
To give to His kingdom all due increase
And warn sinners from the lake of fire

And take,above all, your Faith as a Shield
We are not ignorant of Satan’s own quirks
Quench fiery darts, resist, do not yield
Salvation by Faith and not by your works

Cover thy head with the helmet of salvation
He is the Head - byHim ye are saved
Remember that Heaven is His habitation
His laws on your heart must be engraved

The two-edged sword of the spirit ye grip
To vanquish thy foes with His Power
The Word of thy God must be on your lip
With prayer and supplication each hour

Keep ye thine mind and thine body from sin
Keep ye His law as thy delight
Fight the good fight, without and within
And don His whole armor of light.

© 2006 Kenneth M.Hoeck
TruthOn The Web Ministries

This is My Son

This is my Son,In whom I’m well pleased
Listen to Him and do not be grieved,
“Keep my commands, Believe what I say
He is The Light, The Truth and The Way”

What is a man?He’s merely a breath
The wages of sin is ending in death
Divided from God, The serpent had schemed,
He had thought man could not be redeemed

Thus entered sinand sorrow and pain
Yet a’fore all, The Lamb He was slain
Jesus paid all thus healing the rift
Obedience our duty - Life is His gift

This is my Son,in whom I’m well-pleased
The gates of hell – the keys He has seized.
He conquered all – the last which is death
So heed my commands for they’re not requests.

© 2006 Kenneth M.Hoeck
      TruthOn The Web Ministries
      ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh Father

Oh Father, please forgive me
I'm unworthy of your Love
Oh Father, Please come heal me
Gracious favor from above

I was not made for transgression
Or for a heart of iniquity
I have need of intercession
From your Son who died for me

Oh Father, please come cleanse me
From my sins against your law
Oh Father, please restore me
To your bosom let me draw

I was made for your pleasure
For obedience in your love
I was made for blessed holiness
Like a hand fit for a glove

Oh Father, please come teach me
I will tell all about your Love
Oh Father, Please come fill me
With your spirit from above.

      © 2006 Kenneth M.Hoeck
       TruthOn The Web Ministries

Preacher's Tears

How can I tell them,
When they won't listen?
How can I warn them,
When they feel so secure?

How can I explain then
All they'll be missin'?
How can they be ill
Not searching for cure?

[Chorus] They have closed their eyes
They have closed their ears
They have closed their hearts
They die in all their fears

Teach me to help them
So they may hear you.
Teach me to give them
Eye salve to see

Teach me to teach them
'Til they endear you.
Teach me to love them
As you love me.

[Repeat Chorus]
© 2005 Kenneth M. Hoeck
Truth On The Web Ministries

A Grave Look At Hell

If you look to the Bible The word "hell" you will find
It is so easy to see, (Unless willfully blind,
A wood puppet of men, Or a mere mental slave),
This word rendered "hell" Refers to the grave.

From "Sheol" and "Hades" Or the place of the dead.
Job just called it "the grave," Now Satan's Lair instead?
'Cause fool the-o-logians Brought Hell into their act,
The sense of this word hell Was no longer grave fact.

Fire, brimstone and torment, With much superstition
Was added to pagan Mythological fiction.
Tartaroo is a prison, (Unless you're a liar)
Gehenna, symbolic Of the Lake of Fire.

It is part of the myth Of the Immortal Soul
That most pagan belief That sin claims not its toll.
That only your flesh body Will stay in the grave
But your soul will live on Without Jesus' save

That Satan lives in Hell, Comes from Dante's own head
Satan tries to rule hearts (In Jesus' stead)
Do not believe fiction And the confusion it brings
Just open your bible Humbly prove ye all things.

The True Living God Is all that you will need,
With Word and concordance, On Daily bread feed
To prove out the doctrine So you can tell
What exactly is meant By this word rendered"hell".

© 2006 Kenneth M. Hoeck
Truth On The Web Ministries

Truth On The Web Ministries 2005

Abraham's RAM

Abraham wanted to upgrade his old .386 PC to Windows XP.

His son Isaac, was horrified, and exclaimed: "Pop, you can't run Windows XP on your ancient 386. Everyone knows you need a Pentium III processor and 128 megabytes (MB) of RAM for that! What are you thinking???

But Abraham, a man of faith, gazed calmly at Isaac and said, "Do not worry, my son, God will provide the RAM."

Coffee Out Of Context

Joke: One day a husband and wife were discussing whose job it was to get up first and fix the morning coffee. The husband said, "The scriptures say it's the wife's responsibility". The wife disagreed and said, "I can show you in the Bible where it definitely says it's your responsibility." The husband replied, "If you can show me that in the Bible, I'll be glad to do it." She opened up the Bible and pointed down, he looked and clearly read "He-brews". -author unknown submitted by W. Houchens

The television set has been called the Devil's Window and most of its programming, nearly all, is not for true Christians. The following "Psalm" can be veiwed as humorous...but it is undoubtedly true. May it lead us to understand that we all need to avoid that "medium" and open our bibles.

THE 23RD CHANNEL (instead of the 23rd Psalm)

The TV is my shepherd, I shall want. 
It makes me lie down on the sofa. 
It leads me away from the Scriptures. 
It destroys my soul. 
It leads me in the path of sex and violence,
for the sponsor's sake.  
Yea, though I walk in the shadow of my 
Christian responsibilities, 
there will be no interruption, 
For the TV is with me.
It's cable and remote, they control me.
It prepares a commercial before me in 
the presence of worldliness;
It anoints my head with Humanism, 
My coveting runneth over.  
Surely laziness and ignorance shall 
Follow me all days of my life: 
And I shall dwell in the house 
Watching TV forever.

~Author Unknown

God Works in Mysterious Ways

A poor Christian man was in the streets offering to work doing odd jobs for food for his family; or in lieu of work, asking for any spare change that those passing by could spare.

Some neighborhood kids rode their bikes by him, jingling the coins in their pockets at him saying "Want some change? We betcha do! -Well you can't have ours! Ha Ha!". They were cruel, as sometimes children can be. They ridiculed the poor man even to the point of following him home while chanting " poor little Christian-just a slob, ain't got no money, ain't got no job!" The man smiled at the boys and went into his humble little house.

He knelt down and began praying to God, offering thanks to God for all he had, especially his family. He continued in prayer aloud asking for some bread for which to feed his family. The neighborhood kids were outside his window had heard his prayer and snickered at the poor fool thinking he would get bread from God.

Wanting to make further sport of the goodly man they ran to the supermarket and bought a loaf of bread with the money they had in their pockets. They quietly crept to the poor man's window and heard the man finishing his prayer with outstretched arms. They tossed the loaf through the window directly into the man's arms. The children burst out laughing and rode away proud of the nasty trick they played on the man. The man, surrounded by his family, looked up to say "Thank you God for hearing my prayer and answering so quickly".

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TRUE LOVE

Father, I'm a sinner
I've transgressed your way
I've turned my face from you
yet you never looked away

You sent your Son to die for me
as the wages of sin demand.
You gave your spirit unto me
and revealed to me your plan.

You taught me love, my Father
Now I've become your son
Jesus, my older brother says
that we will be as one

We all must die a single death
but when He comes he'll raise us
Jehovah will come and cleave to us
and we shall sing His praises.

(author: Ken Hoeck

Patience

My father, up in heaven,
I sing my praise to thee
You speak and its done,
You have gave us your son,
who died upon a tree -
who died for sinners like me.
Almighty God, my Father,
Your name always be praised.
Saints sleep in the dust,
on Jehovah they trust
They wait and their faith is unfazed -
they wait their turn to be raised.
I'll sing praise to you, my Father,
and to your Son with you in heaven.
When your kingdom is come,
your will shall be done,
When this lump is purged of its leaven
- when your kingdom descends here from heaven.

(by Ken_Hoeck)

His Way

I used to sing, as Ol'Frank would say
I lived full life and did it my way.
I used to take all I could steal.
I longed to touch all I could feel
I used to love just fun and play.
I wanted choice to do things my own way.

Until I read the Word of God
And found it, oh, so very odd
That I was formed, by God from clay
And was not meant, to live this way
That I was broke in need of mend
And soon my sinful life would end

I cried "Oh God," upon my knees,
"I know I'm meant for You, to please.
The blood of Christ was shed for me
To show your love eternally"
So then I saw beyond the bend
I knew I needed God as Friend.

And, by His grace, I now can say,
I'll live my life... and do it, His Way.

------------------------------------

A Day of Thanksgiving?

One day of Thankgiving
Is that all it takes?
A day of full of feasting
On poultry and cakes,

To please our Creator
To obtain His favor
By meaningless words
And mouthwatering savour?

Why only one day
Do we have gratitude?
God gives us so much.
What's our attitude?

To mention our thanks
On only one day
Then go about life
And live it our way?

God is so worthy
Of our daily love
He rains on us gifts
From heaven above

Every day that we live
We should grateful
Not saying 'thank you'
And then being hateful

So sing praise to God
And submit everyday
the giving of thanks
when we eat and we pray.

The Choice

What is our purpose? You say you don''t know?
Will you become a new creature or just stay below?
Were you just a mistake that occurred in some slime?
Do we change each generation; or is man same all the time?

Are you here just to live and then just to die?
Do you keep God''s commandments? Do you even think to try?
Will you just live your life for all the fun you can find?
Why not rather feed the hungry or give sight to the blind?

One faith, or another, is set before you.
You should read the bible to find what to do.

To believe is the answer. The judgment is true.
Life eternal with Jesus or death now, you choose?

---------------------------------
2023 [not meant to be prophetic]

I wonder how long fore the book of life is
read and what the future holds for me.
Will we prosper or will mankind soon be dead?
Whats in our future who can see? In 2023.

Will the sky fall down to meet the ground
below? And the radiation poisoned sea?
Did you ever wonder just how much we really
know and just how everything will be? In 2023

Will the stars be struck down by the Lord
above? Will the prophets Judas me? Will we
practice hate or will we act with love?
Whats in our future who can see? In 2023.

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Glorious Tabernacle

In one of God's feasts
He said "live in booths"
remember you are sojourning
And waiting on His truth.

The dying sukkot holds you
Til the seventh day is o'er
The eighth day He will raise you
As "a hearer and a doer."

A body bright and shining
Is waiting up in store
in the blessed gates of heaven
To be with Him evermore.

Babylon

Their tower's impressive statistics
pleased architects, masons, and mystics
But their excessive pride
Caused the Lord to decide
It was time that they studied linguistics.
~ author unknown~

ElShaddai

Children of Sorrow (revisited) - a poem of hope
We were cruising the town, hitting the bars
Just little children reaching for stars
Our hearts full of fire, eyes full of hope
Ears full of music, brains full of dope
We struggled through life It all seemed in vain
Just lost little children caught in the rain

We were hassled by teachers and messed up in school
We just couldn't see that we all played the fool
We fought with our parents - Lost wars of love
Just little children ... Needing help from above

Tried hard to escape in illusions of love
In rock~n~roll music, liquor and drugs
Reached for the stars, the clouds in the sky
We felt so secure (when we were high)

When reality hit us We fell to our knees
All unknown soldiers - lost on high seas
Its time to fight back We''ll never say ''quit''
Made it this far from the dark hellish pit

With Jesus we''ll make it Through love and despair
But we must learn to show that we really do care
If we don't follow the Shepherd We'll continue to be
Just lost little children ...alone as can be.

AND THE HOLY SPIRIT SAID … By W. Houchens

-Hello, hello, can anyone hear?
Hello, hello, is anyone near?
-I have these words for you to hear,
and of these words you must have fear,
for time is drawing closer near!
-Do you really want to know,
these things for you I have to show?
-Do you really want to hear?
Take heed and listen closely dear,
for time is drawing closer near!
-I've told you of these things to come,
you must believe, my will be done!
-I do not joke! I do not play!
You have your chance, choose what you may!
-You hear the song that Satan sings,
and choose to listen though it stings!
-Woe and misery is what he brought;
you sing along without a thought!

-My rules, my laws, they do not bend;
here is the beginning of the end!
-You want for me to hear your prayers,
but you heed not, how do you dare?
-You choose to walk in fleshly ways;
you think I'll answer anyways?
-My laws you've changed with pen and pad;
you think this does not make me sad?
-For you this is not what I choose;
for one little child, I should not to lose.
-I warned you, told you what to do.
Follow me and be brand-new!
-I told you all you need to know;
but ignorance is what you show.
-My beautiful creation you have destroyed;
not much longer will I fill this void!
-When I come so swift and sweet,
you'll be crying at my feet!

-“Oh God, Oh God, I did not know!”
“Not true” I'll say, “I told you so!”
-I yelled and yelled, but to deaf ears;
now the wrath of God is what you'll fear!
-Now pain and sorrow with you rot,
because you heard, but listened not!
-“All you had to do”, I'll say;
“was walk with me and in my way!”
-Satan and man led you astray;
now suffer you another day!
-But those who hear will suffer not!
You reap what you sow; now you get what you've got!
-My Christian Warriors have no fear,
for to my heart I hold them dear!
-Wake-up NOW! Walk in my ways;
follow me so you'll be saved!

I'd Rather See A Sermon

I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day;
I'd rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way.
The eye is a better pupil, more willing than the ear;
Fine counsel is confusing, but example is always clear,
And the best of all the preachers are the men who livetheir creeds,
For to see good put in action is what everybody needs.
I can soon learn how to do it if you will let me see it done;
I can watch your hand in action, but your tongue too fast may run.
And the lectures you deliver may be very wise and true,
But I'd rather get my lesson by observing what you do.
For I may misunderstand you and the high advice you give,
But there is no misunderstanding how you act and how you live.
When I see a deed of kindness, I am eager to be kind.
When a weaker brother stumbles, and a strong man stands behind
Just to see if he can help him, then the wish grows strong in me
To become as big and thoughtful as I know that friend to be.
And all travelers can witness that the best of guides today
Is not the one who tells them, but the one who shows the way.
One good man teaches many; but more believe what they behold;
One deed of kindness noted is worth forty that are told.
Who stands with men of honor learns to hold his honor dear,
For right living speaks a language which to everyone is clear.
Though an able speaker charms me with his eloquence,this
I say, I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day."

Anonymous

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Deuteronomy 4:29 But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.

Seek With Whole Heart

I searched for God half-heartedly,
While half my heart and mind
Were seeking pleasures of the world;
And God I did not find.

Yet, when life tossed me to and fro
And none would take my part;
I found God, because ‘twas then
I searched with all my heart.
(Author Unknown)

Psalms 119:2-3 Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart. They also do no iniquity: they walk in his ways.

Psalms 119:10 With my whole heart have I sought thee: O let me not wander from thy commandments.

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.People will be baptized at both ends.
A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
Tonight's sermon "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church in our community.
Potluck supper, Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off---Let the church help.

Let us tell you of some peoples Favorite Hymns:

The Dentist's Hymn:..........Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn...........There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn..........The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn...............Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn...........There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn.........Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn..........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn............I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn...............Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn..........Send the Light
The Shopper's Hymn.............Sweet By and By

Now, for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns for you:
45 mph.................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph.................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph.................Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph.................Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph.................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph.................Lord, I'm Coming Home
and over 100 mph.......Precious Memories

JOKE: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novacaine at the dentist's office: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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